in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
