did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
