I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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