sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
