Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
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