I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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