Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
