our cab driver is having phone sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
