so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
