when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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