My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
