I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
well you can't waste a boner
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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