When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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