So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
