omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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