o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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