Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
