I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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