Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
