i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
