if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My penis needs a shock collar
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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