Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
