just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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