can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
