If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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