So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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