So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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