Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
