Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
