You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
