so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
