There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
