My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
