All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
