Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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