ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
