Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
