I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!