while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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