I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
