My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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