i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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