you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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