i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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