My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
