Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
