I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
