He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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