she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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