I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
