I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
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How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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